My cell light comes on at 7:00. Then I know that it is time to wake up. The Guard will come to my cell at 7:15 – 8:00. I can hear my department door lock open and know that in a moment he will also open the cell door lock. He is carrying my clothes, I can choose my own clothes the night before and if they are approved by the Guard, he will bring them along.
He opens the lock that attaches my hobblechain to the foot of the bed, and then opens the chain that attaches my collar to the head of the bed. Maybe you think I am then “free”, but in fact it is hard for me to move because I’m on my tummy and my hands are handcuffed behind my back .
Many have asked how I am able to sleep in that position … it was difficult at first but after a few weeks it became a natural way to sleep. The arms are resting at my side, and my wrists are behind the back, palms facing up. Usually I have neoprene or leather bracelets under the cuffs, to prevent the cuffs digging into the skin of the wrist.
The position is also very effective for control. The Guard assists me up, I can usually sit on the bed for a moment in peace. After that, he leads me to the bathroom / toilet. He locks the wall chain to my collar. The chain is long enough that I can sit on the loo and take a shower, and no more. He takes off my handcuffs, gives me a toothbrush, soap, etc. and I have 10 minutes to do my job. The Guard usually sits on my bed so that he can see me all the time.
After showering, he gives me a towel and I can dry myself. After this I usually wrap a towel on my head to make the hair dry. 10 minutes is not the exact time, it may be longer (depending on the schedule of the guard). During this time, the guard brings in a small bench from outside the cell.
He puts the handcuffs on me again, behind my back, and leads me to the cell wall. The trip is 3 meters, but even then I need to have the handcuffs. When I am at the wall, he locks a short wall chain to my collar. I kneel on the bench, facing the wall, and he opens my leg cuffs. When I stand again, he moves the bench away. I must be constantly facing the wall.
The guard will dress me in panties because the wall chain is so short that I can not bend down. I raise my foot up at his command. The panties always have in addition a a big panty liner or thin diaper, such as is used when there is a problem with urinary incontinence. I like to think that it is a panty liner.
Next comes a cotton tube for the upper body. Then come to my tights/pantyhose. They keep the panty pad in place. Next my corset is put on over the tube. He leaves it loose because my hands are behind my back. Finally, he puts the boots on me. To that end, I bend my knees while on the bench. I have a number of boots but there is a pair I wear most often. The heel is 4 cm and the shape is comfortable to wear. They are less than knee-high, and the part at the lower leg is pretty tight.
I also have shoes but all of them are equipped with a lockable ankle strap. The boots are easier to use in practice, the guard thinks so. Finally, he locks on my leg cuffs, which lock the boots on my leg. The daytime legcuffs are connected to a hobble chain which have a connector chain in the middle of it.
The next step is that I stand again. The guard can keep his legs on my hobble to make sure that I can not move. The floor has a locking point, but it is not generally used. He removes my handcuffs. I need to stand so that my forehead and hands are touching the wall. It’s nice that I have a towel on my head. He tightens my corset then, locks the strings and sets shoulder straps. The corset is not laced extremely tight. It is designed so that I am able to sit without problems.
Next, he gives me the shirt, normally a buttoned shirt that is easy to put on, the lower part of the shirt it tucked into the tights. The shirt can also be a T-shirt which is put on when the wall chain is opened.
Before that, the guard helps me into a long skirt. My favorite is a long black leather skirt which has undergone some changes. For example, the waist chain is sewn in the waist portion so that it is not completely visible. The skirt has a back zipper and the chain and lock fit in that spot. The connector chain, which runs from my hobble chain up under my skirt, is locked to the same point. The leather skirt also has three other holes at the waist, at the front and both sides. Out of each of these is an O-ring which is attached to the waistchain.
I like the fact that my chains are out of sight, in addition, I like to think that the leather skirt silences the sound of chains a little. When the skirt and waist chain is locked the guard puts on my “back chain”, it is a chain that is between my collar and waistchain. The chain is provided so that the guard can hold on to it when he moves me. It’s for my safety and it is also easy to control me.
Finally, especially in cool weather, I am able to wear a cardigan or a light shirt. I like the fact that my chains are a bit hidden. The chains are measured and cut exactly to the necessary length so that they are always the same. Finally, the guard puts me in handcuffs behind my back.
On the left side of my waist, on an O-ring, hangs my ballgag. It is a black ball that is made for me with a leather strap which goes through the ball a little off centre so that when the ball is in my mouth the strap does not need to be extremely to place the ball is sufficiently deep in my mouth. It also has a strap which passes around the chin. I hate it, but fortunately the ballgag has not been used for a long time, it acts as a deterrent to me talking too loud or when I am not supposed to.
Now I’m ready to move out of the cell. He leads me into the lobby, where there is a chair and a table for me. The lobby also has a sofa, a remote-controlled TV and radio, etc. The chair’s back is against the wall, in front of the chair, the floor has a locking point with a 30 cm long chain. The guard locks my hobblechain to floorchain. The chair is heavy and the chair’s seat and backrest are separated by a gap through which will pass a wall-mounted chain. The guard locks the chain on to my waist chain. After this, he removes my handcuffs and moves the table closer to me to give me breakfast.
Breakfast usually includes a small dose of porridge (my choice), yogurt and orange juice. In addition to a bottle of water. I eat my breakfast, and sometimes the guard stays with me, sometimes not. After the meal, I have a chance to brush my hair and put on light make-up. I usually only do a pony tail, etc. – I do not need to wear make-up normally. Sometimes I also look at morning TV at this time. If the guard is gone, I have no hurry. Now I’m ready to move on in my workroom.
The guard again locks my handcuffs, in front this time, he also locks them to the O-ring from my waist chain in front of me. After that, he disconnects the floor chain and finally the wall chain. He helps me up and leads me to the workroom. The distance is about 5 meters. My desk is in the corner of the room so that the chair is against the wall again. The desktop behind can only be accessed from one direction. I sit in the chair and he locks me in the wall chain. Next he goes around the table in front of me and locks the hobblechain to the floor chain. After this, he removes my handcuffs. On the desktop is all that I need – a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse.
He puts two bottles of water on the table and leaves the room. He locks the door … and I can hear how he locks the second door to the next, then he is gone. That is a long explanation, but all of this takes about half an hour, no more.
At about 8:30 – 9:00, I will open my computer and read my work emails. Sometimes I have plenty of messages but also there are days when I do not get any message. I will do the urgent work first, and then the things that are not such a hurry, then I read the personal messages. I always try to respond to them the same day. When I sit for a long time, I am thankful that I have a panty liner/diaper, if I did not have it, the chain would press against my tail bone or buttocks.
12:00 – 13:00 is my break, the guard will come and using the same practice he transfers me to the lobby where I get something to eat. Generally, it is bread, salad and a cup of tea/juice. If I want to, he will transport me to the lobby toilet. Then I am transferred using the same practice back behind the desk in workroom. I always have 2 bottles of water available. If I have a lot of work, I work offline, but my online activity is not otherwise restricted.
sometime between 16:00 – 18:00 is my time to for outdoor activities. The guard picks me up, and using the standard practice transports me outside. If there is cold weather, he has a jacket to give me (and gloves if needed). My outdoor place is in immediately next to my prison building, between the two buildings, in a sheltered place. Since this place is a former kennel, there are old fences and other things that could easily be used for a prisoner. Fortunately, they are not used in my control.
The only thing is a cable run between my building and another next to it. It is a wire about two meters above the ground. Running along the cable is a chain which is about 1.5 meters long and therefore does not touch the ground. The chain is locked to my waist chain and I am then “free” to walk back and forth. My hands are restrained, usually in front of me, and not locked to the waist chain, which means that I can stop myself if I trip and fall. The chain from the cable to my waist chain is not long enough for me to reach the ground, and so if I fall I am suspended by the waist and my head can hit the ground if I do not have my hands to stop myself. Sometimes it is also possible to use the waist chain with side cuffs, I like them, if the chain is long enough.
I also have the choice to sit. If I want to sit, I have to inform the Guard in advance. The area has a heavy bench where I am locked if I so decide. Sometimes I can not choose to walk on the run, mainly because when there is an outsider in the yard who could see me. The advantage of sitting is that I can have my hands free. Generally, I’ll walk. People sometimes think of walking with the cable as humiliating – maybe it was at first but, in any case, it is the only chance for me to walk on a daily basis. Between the houses I can see the nearby field and the woods behind it. It has a beautiful view.
My outdoor time is 1 hour, then I am directed to the lobby where I can eat warm food. I am restrained in the same way as before. Food is often a microwave meal, bread and a salad and something to drink. Before the new restraints were introduced I often sat on the sofa in the lobby to eat, but now I find that very hard because the back chain and corset makes me very upright and stiff – I cannot bend forward to put the food in my mouth. Even just sitting on the sofa is not very comfortable because of my upright posture.
The lobby chair is higher and therefore easier to sit on, and the table is also very high. Eating there is easier and sitting there with my upright posture is more comfortable. The table is relatively heavy but the guard always pushes it close to me when I eat so I sit like a child in the highchair. After the meal, if I want to, I can once again go to the toilet. If I have a job, I get redirected to the workroom, but if I do not have a job unfinished, I can choose between the workroom and the lobby. In the lobby I can watch TV, listen to the stereo, read magazines and books.
Before the ‘new’ restraints and rules were introduced I liked to stay in the lobby. I was able to move around a little bit and could walk between the table, the sofa and the toilet. Now I am locked in to one place where I have to be for a long time. These days I usually choose to sit in workroom. I can use the computer and make even more work to do, or I can also use the computer to watch TV and listen to music.
I’m sitting there usually until 21:00 – 21:30, when it is time for my bedtime routines. They take place in the reverse order of the morning. At 22:00 I’m locked in the bed.
The times are very approximate, they can change a lot. The security guard has much more to do and that is why I can sometimes have to wait a long time. For that reason, the panty liner/diaper is a good solution, it gives me certainty if I have to wait. The diaper features are needed only very-very rarely. It is just a precaution. I get clean clothes and accessories every morning.
My sleep arrangements have been the same for a very long time. I sleep on my tummy and my hands are locked behind my back. My arms are resting next to me and my hands and wrists are resting sideways on my back. It took some time to get used to it but now it is very natural to me.
My Guard takes great care that I am comfortable and will be all right. He arranges my pillow so that I do not have a problem with my collar, he also places small, molded pillows under my arms. Finally, he puts a blanket on me. In winter, when a thicker blanket is used, there is a hole in the middle of the blanket for my wrists. Without the hole the cover is too heavy and weighs on my hands uncomfortably. I would like for there also to be a cushion between my lower back and handcuffs, but this has not been approved. They have told me the only possibility would be a wide belt that would be attached to the bed. It is not mandatory, so I have not yet chosen it. The Guard / Committee think about many things to ensure I am safe and well.
When all this is done, my Guard steps out of the cell, locks the door and turns off the light, then he leaves my department and locks the outer door. When I’m locked in the bed …. It calms me down, I have a good and quiet feeling. The guard has cared for me and ensured I am safe. When I’m under of heavy blanket , it feels especially good. Care centres and even kindergartens use heavy blankets if they need to calm hyperactive children. I think a lot before I sleep … I think about a lot of things, including scenarios where I would be free. I think that I could never feel this good feeling if I am “free”.