It has now been 6 months since I was moved from where I was previously to my new permanent prison home. Adapting to life here has been an education, but I think already that I will be able to live here in the long term. True, I am going deeper and deeper into my captivity, which is scary but at the same time very exciting. Is this where all the development and change ends? I was hoping for something like this, but I could not imagine all the things that my life now contains. I know that I need to be patient and adapt.
In theory, I could stop this, but in practice freedom does not seem to even be an option I consider any more. This is the place where I will be a very long time. Here there are very strict daily routines and rules that will not end, perhaps ever. That all gives me exactly what I want: the maximum sense of security. Even at this stage, I know how much I am dependent on these routines, even some of the degrading and unnecessary things. I have accepted many things in the past, and this is just another step forward. Sometimes it is difficult but I am a hardy and adaptable person. Sometimes I have low motivation, but then clear routines help because I know that the things are going to happen anyway.
There is a new member of the Committee. He has designed the cage system I live in. He has also built much of it. He seems to be a very thorough man who wants to make things as good as possible. He lives in the house that contains my prison and he and his wife will be my main guards. He demands perfection in me in everything – my dress, chains and behaviour. They justify it that being so exact about the routines and practices increases safety.
There are many new rules and restraints. These are often introduced without notice. The fact that small sudden changes are made to the rules is an intentional part of the prison system to hinder escape plans, etc. It is this irregular routine that the prisoner must get used to.
The first change was that the chain connecting my hobble chain to the floor of my office/living area was extended to 1.5 m, and now connects using an o-ring that can slide along the hobble chain. It means more chain sound but also a little bit more movement for me. I am able to walk as much as my chain allows. It’s not much, but I can stand up and move my feet. After being chained in a seated position for so long in my former home it feels great!
The guard requested that I keep my arms crossed behind my back when visited by the guards or the committee, and my speaking rules are very strictly enforced. There have also been many changes to my sleeping arrangements – at night I now wear a tight hood which covers my eyes and stops me from speaking. I will soon post my full bed time and morning routines which will show how much my daily procedures have changed.
These things – chains, locks, forced immobility, the suppression of the senses are part of my “designed program” here. Strange to say, but all of those strange things keep me in the moment, awake. I’ve probably already said that sometimes I think that I cannot live a “normal” life and that is why I feel grateful that I am here. For me, it is important that I feel safe and secured, in practice this means being in prison and strictly restricted. Bondage is the thing that emphasizes this feeling. I feel that the people who bind, chain, lock me in also protect me. I am in a situation where I already know that there are no opportunities to escape, except by using the three month release rule, which is no longer an option I consider at all.
Yes, all this enhances the bondage experience. Bondage is attractive to me when it is combined with the way I’m dressed. Stylish clothing which I like also shows that others appreciate me. I feel proud of how I look and how I dress. I am grateful that I’m allowed to wear nice clothes as part of my daily routine. My idea has always been should have good posture clothing. It would be motivating for me, and perhaps also enjoyable to others involved. I have worn a corset now for 14 months, and the guard has added a restrictive over-shirt which stops me raising my arms above my head. As said, these decisions are not in my hands. My ideas about getting tattoos which show my status as prisoner have not changed. They are still something I want. In my opinion, such things could also be stylish and elegant.
In this new arrangement I am not able to negotiate for changes to my routines or restraints, but sometimes people who comment on my yahoo group suggest things or raise security or safety concerns which the committee have noted, and this has resulted in some improvements in my restraints. But everything has a price, and sometimes this results in new restraints too, for example I have been given mittens for outdoor use to keep my hands warm, however they are tight, thumbless mittens which make my hands useless. I have to keep the outdoor mittens on for 3 hours a day now: 1 hour before my outdoor activities, while I am outdoors, and then 1 hour afterwards. At the same time my hands are locked to a waist band.
Despite these difficulties, when I know new things such as these are being introduced I am somehow excited by it. I get new things very rarely!
I have been thinking about what my life would be like in 10-20 years or more. I hope that I would be in good shape, and well accustomed to my constraints. I do not think that would be a problem. I hope I would know exactly what’s going on in the outside world. I believe that if I can keep learning to enjoy the small and limited dimensions of my life, then I would no longer even know how to live in freedom or remember what it is like. The idea of aging in my captivity and continuing to adapt and become more and more institutionalised interests me and even arouses me in some way. In the past I dreamed that I could move in the outside world using restraints, and other necessary arrangements and procedures. But that was a utopia, a dream in vain. People cannot accept that.
I am still able to receive visitors in my prison, however. I have had two visitors here so far. My best friend, a person who remains my friend in spite of everything, and one of my family members. One of visitor per month is the rule. I like the fact that everything is thought out and secured. The visiting procedure is that I am locked, ready in the room when a visitor arrives. My leg-irons chain is locked to the floor, the rail system chain is then taken away and the waist chain is locked to my chair. Before me is a heavy table which is bolted to my chair as soon as I am seated and locked. It is so close to me that I would find it difficult to get up off the chair even though I did not have any restraints.
My handcuffs are locked to the table above or below. The table has a cover plate that ensures that the visitor cannot see my ankles. When my hands are locked under the table the visitor does not see my chains at all. But when my friend to visit my hands can be on the table, she is not bothered at all about my restraints. It is always nice to see my friend, she always gets me in a good mood!