Last weekend was a great celebration of summer, the midnight sun, and only the week before it was snowing when I was in the yard outdoors! Hopefully the warmer weather will stay now for a while.
It has now been three and a half months since I was placed in enhanced restraints, and almost three months since my corset was introduced. As far as I know both will remain a part of my life for the long term. I have very different experience with each one, however.
I have only good things to say about having the corset locked on me every day. I like the support it gives and the feeling of a constant hug. I got a new corset recently – it may be a little stiffer than the old one, but at the same time the material breathes better, so it is good for the summer months. It also has elastic shoulder straps.
The corset now feels like the norm for me. My corset lacing is always pretty much the same – my guard knows how tight to lace it, and another committee member, who made the corsets, checks occasionally that it is the correct tightness. It is only laced tight enough to support me and give me the correct posture, but it could be much tighter I think. I do not get to decide how tight the corset is laced.
When I was sick recently the corset was laced looser than normal. Then, I hated the fact that I could feel the collar and back chain, which is between the collar and waist. When the corset is tightened normally I do not feel it, so I was relieved when it could be properly laced again.
One effect of wearing the corset all the time is that I am given six small portions of food per day. Regular small meals seem to be the best when tightly corseted as there is less room for food. As I move around so little I do not need to eat very much, and my committee and I have a good idea of how much food I should eat so that my weight is stable and I remain healthy. Recently, for the first time this summer, there was a barbecue outside with meat, potatoes and salad. I got to sit on my outdoor bench and enjoy a little of the barbecue food.
It would be really nice to spend such a day outside with friends and acquaintances, but I cannot have everything. I always have to remember my position.
Living with the trestraints
My experience of the new restraints after more than three months is quite different to the corset. There have been times recently when the leg irons have infuriated me, along with the fact that the hobble chains are locked to the floor and that I am constantly locked in a seated position. It is hard to be so still – I want to exercise more, although I do still get my 1 hour of exercise per day.
My feelings and thoughts are like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes the constraints and all of the, rules, procedures, locking systems and their backups annoy me very much. But these thoughts are soon gone and then I see things from another point of view – tight constraints feel protective of me – it means that no one or nothing can take me away from here, I’m safe from all harm. It makes me feel that nothing bad can hurt me, and for that feeling I’m willing to pay a lot.
I know that it is very strange but I feel safety and pleasure from the fact that I am locked in and taken care of. Stricter rules keep my mind in check in some sense. Of course I would like my life to be easier, but the prisoner must adapt, and chains, locks, routines, etc. are good things and a sign that all is well.
The fact that the rules are currently stable also has a calming effect … I do not want to have the opportunity to earn any kind of relaxation of my rules and restraints – that would only be a cause of stress for me. Feelings of stability and that I have no possibility of freedom are very important to me, it doesn’t matter how difficult my restraints are, I know I will still be wearing them tomorrow and next week and next month.
I often compare myself with someone who has reduced mobility as a result of a permanent disability. They have no option but still they carry on with life within their restrictions. They are forced to adapt. They sort of “forget” their disability and move on, I respect them very much.
My growing limitation, and the possibility of further limitation in the future, can be compared to progressive disease that takes physical ability. Having the right attitude is important and I see getting used to such a high level of physical limitation as one of my major challenges. It takes a lot of time to adapt, perhaps even years, or it may be that I will never get used to it fully.
While my mind has a long way to go to adapt, my body already “remembers” that my restrictions are normal. Physically, the body adapts to the limits much quicker – some muscles atrophy because they are not used, then they are also not painful as in the beginning. I move as far as possible within my restraints – the only thing that is always limited are my feet, and the range of movement of my hips. I think that if I was allowed to walk freely now, my steps would still be very short and it would take time for them to return to normal. Maybe not ever. In that respect I think that I have moved to “the next level” in a bondage prisoner’s life.
Physical constraints are only a part of all of this. It is possible to adapt to them. It is harder to get used to the behaviour rules and the repeated practices. The touch rule is very problematic, I want to have the opportunity to touch or be touched, and that is why I am sometimes more “helpless” than usual, that way I get more contact and intimacy, even for a moment.
But on the other hand, this is the prisoner’s life … Despite the difficulties, I have no doubt about what I want and need.
Recently I have not been having my monthly orgasm days, for various reasons. I enjoy an orgasm, but I have a strong understanding that I could live without it, without any problems. The orgasm day routine is not my ideal way to gain sexual satisfaction but it is part of my institutionalisation – I do not have a choice in how it is done and if it doesn’t work for me on a particular month I have no option but to wait. I have to get used that.
My orgasms always require “going to the border” – pain, intense restraint etc. I am not sure how my body and my mind takes all that. Sometimes I think I could live without sexual satisfaction – perhaps the same pleasure can be got some other way. A good feeling of satisfaction can be obtained in many ways – for me any fondling and attention is satisfying because I get so little physical contact otherwise. I also get satisfaction from pain and submission. Anyway – I am not giving up on my orgasm days. I must learn to make the best of them. Maybe a little longer break will make it better.
I still think often about permanent solutions. As a teenager I saw a movie where a man escaped from a chain gang. He had been wearing shackles so long that he still walked with tiny steps. This idea affected me greatly and when I saw it I knew that this was my destiny. As I have described above these things are happening to me slowly – in my hips especially.
I am interested by the idea that in the future there may be restraints that I could not go without. For example after wearing my corsets for a number of years I will be no longer comfortable without one, as my back muscles will lose strength and conditioning. This thought fascinates me.
I feel that learning to live with these permanent constraints and having no possibility of freedom from them would make me even happier. Such things would bring stability to everyday life.
I also still want to have permanent marks of my status, for example tattoos and other brands – something that is permanent and that does not go away ever. I would also like permanent ankle and wrist cuffs and a collar that cannot be removed. As a teenager I had a self-locking chain collar, and often I also wore a self-made leather and nylon harness under my clothing. I had the idea that I must be ready for locking points that facilitate it that one day I will be closed and locked. That idea has not gone away … it is still there and that is why permanent solutions are natural to me. The hobble chain perhaps does not need to be permanent, it can be so, but it can also be lockable. Cuffs on the wrists and ankles can be permanent, perhaps at the elbows as well.
There are mental processes that will also make me feel like I have no possibility of freedom. Continuing to become institutionalised to my prisoner’s life also helps with the goal of feeling that my captivity is permanent. I know that one day I will be moved to a different prison, but it is important to me that all is stable in future. That gives me the feeling of security I need and also helps enhance my feelings of institutionalisation. I’m not afraid of the possibility that I will have additional constraints, they are only challenges that I must adapt to.
Knowing that this is my future, perhaps the biggest “dream” is to find a person who really understands my choices. I have dreamed of finding someone who likes me and understands my choice, and that I will never be free. He/she would sometimes visit here, etc, and would understood my rules and adapt to them.