Update On Permanence

I think I understand very clearly what a ‘normal life’ is like – family, work, hobbies, the things that normal people do. So it is supposed to be, but I think it is also normal that some people live isolated from normal life. People have many different secret thoughts and fantasies. Most people keep it secret, and these ideas usually do not mess up a normal life. I do not know how I went “wrong” – I have always had such a clear idea of what I am. This captive life is natural for me.

My parents knew that I did self bondage in my room when I was a teenager. They could not know how deep I was in bondage and captivity in my thoughts. When they learned these things, it was a shock, of course, and they tried everything possible to convince me to stop. They wanted me to live a normal life like other people. Eventually they had no choice but to adapt to my choice because they love me. After all, this life is more acceptable than the use of hard drugs, or many other things.

My family does not know all of my rules and routines, which is a good thing. They know the main features, and that I have certain chains and rules that I want to follow. It is very strange to them, but they accept it as it is today. They do not have a clue how I really live and how strict all the rules are.

My thoughts about permanent captivity create a lot of mixed feelings. Currently, the Committee make sure that the necessary things for my healthy, wellbeing and happiness are taken care of. This includes visits by my family. I am worried that removing the 3-month rule could change that. With the rule as it stands at the moment, if the Committee made my life too hard and did not look after me, I could choose to give up this life and leave my prison. It is important that I retain that capability, but on the other hand, all of this does not seem real if I have that chance. It would be easier if I had clearly been sentenced to life without the possibility of freedom, or if I was born in this position. Then there would be no need to think about these things.

There are many reasons why I feel this life is right, even necessary, for me. What I am seeking is to feel completely settled in captive life, and to feel that for me there is no alternative to captivity. I have sometimes wondered what my life would be if I were set free. After so many years in captivity it would be very hard. I might dwell in a small apartment, not wanting to go out alone, I’d be hiding inside behind the curtains and waited for someone to come and take me out – someone whom I trust. I would be a burden for them – it would be very sad, and even pathetic, and I would not want to rely on them in that way. I would still want chains and locking arrangements, and the only difference would be that I would have to lock myself the minute I came through the door. It would be very lonely. In some ways this means that my captivity is already permanent, whether inside the prison or out of it.

I want things that help me settle into my new, permanent life and help me develop the right attitudes to life in prison. There have been many ideas discussed, including tattoos and semi-permanent chains. If I have clear signs of what I am, it would be even less possible for me to adjust to a normal life. We have also discussed the idea of having an identification chip implanted under my skin. The committee have told me this can be done quite easily. It would allow the supervisor to know at every moment where I am. I’ve already decided to do these things and only need the consent of the committee to have them done.

One committee member told me of his idea, that I should have much more stringent rules and restraints, so daily life would require more effort and attention, which might help exclude unnecessary thoughts. In his opinion, at the moment I am like a demanding hotel resident – my life is too soft and I have too much time to think. I understand his opinion – to some extent, he’s right.

His ideas include having my hobble chain locked to the floor whenever I’m in one place and making my wall chains so short that I cannot stand up. In addition, he would like me to always wear handcuffs, joined by a long chain that would pass behind my back through a D loop on my waist chain, so every time I move one hand in front or to the side, the other hand would be firmly behind my back. That way I would have to work with one hand. Stricter rules such as this would make it more difficult to do my job, and do many things such as type my story, but maybe they would also help me focus on what I am doing. He also wants to increase my code of conduct. He says I should call them sir / ma’am, only speak when I have permission, etc. – basically they are normal hard discipline rules.

I have also been told of a different control system that could occur in the future. My area would be divided electronically in various sectors. According to a clear timetable, I would have access to the workroom, toilet, my cell, etc. If I was in the wrong place the monitoring unit would give me an electric shock and an alarm would sound. This could mean that I would not need to see guards very often. I do not like this idea at all.

I am not worried about the idea of additional restraints. I can take a lot of physical pain and discomfort, in fact I’m even interested in how a person adapts to the strict constraints. Normal, physical constraints, such as chains and locks are things that I can accept. For me, they are challenges. Also, when someone has physically locked me up, and I know that they will take care of me, and feel that everything is ok. I do not like the idea of this being replaced by an electronic or computer controlled system.

It is true that I cannot make the decisions about such things. In some cases, they will discuss them with me, but they will make the final decision. It cannot be that the prisoner is able to determine these things, I understand this very well. Some of the small things, I hope I am able to influence. For example, I hope that I am able to use leather bracelets under handcuffs and ankle cuffs. They help when the hands and feet are limited to very short movements because they stop the cuffs pressing against the skin. If they decide to change something, it does not have to be permanent. A trial period might be possible, and it is true that a person can adapt to a variety of restrictions.

Last weekend the committee trialled some of their ideas about enhanced physical restraints and stricter discipline. It was like a long interrogation session, I was sitting in a chair, and my waist chain was locked to it. My ankle hobble was locked to the floor, and between the hobble and waist chain was a short chain so I could not stand up. Most of the time I had my hands locked behind the back, and I had a chain leash locked to my collar all the time.

In addition, they told me that my behaviour needed to be more formal, that I must speak respectfully, provide an answer when asked and only talk when given permission. There were a lot of little things which I would have to get used to if the arrangement becomes normal practice. It did not seem so bad though. After habituation, I could accept it. It certainly would not be comfortable, especially at first, but in the sense that in doing this they are taking care of me, it brings me pleasure.

At the same time I have also been thinking about the social aspects of my future. I have already come to terms with the idea that my contact with ‘normal’ life will be reduced even further in the future. It is perhaps better that way – then I do not always have to explain to my life and my choices. Still, I need to have friends and speak with my family. One idea that could help this is if I am allowed to speak to people via video link on the internet (e.g. on skype). This would mean that people would not have the discomfort of seeing my restraints. It could also mean that I could be held anywhere and speak to people wherever they are.

Video communication, and increased rules and restraints, would probably lead to greater institutionalization, which would help me settle deeper into this life. My life and my relationship with the committee is very stable, the only thing that has cast a shadow over the future is that I need to at some point move to another place, and one member of the Committee will probably change to a new one. These things are very natural but still they cause stress for me. It is true that because I have been so long in the same place and routine, moving scares me, but maybe I’ll be lucky and things will change for the better! The timeframe for these changes I do not have any knowledge of – maybe I’ll be here for years.