Monthly Archives: March 2014

Restraints trial update – two weeks

The trial of increased restraints and rules has now been going for more than two weeks. It will continue for at least another week, and I presume after that time the Committee will decide which restraints and rules they would like to keep for the longer term.

The trial to date has not been too difficult. The changes are still so new and I am still very aware of them, but I feel that I can take on the challenge. In time, when I do not have to focus on them, they will become normal routine. I do feel this is possible. I also have a feeling that because of the new rules the Committee are thinking about me more, the security guard does things for me and it feels strangely good.

There are a few things that have caused minor problems. The shortened hobble chain is not a major obstacle, but having the hobble chain directly connected to the floor was a problem.   I’m used to being able to move around a little bit, now that was blocked from me. It affects me a lot mentally. Physically, there have also been problems from my feet being so closely connected to the floor so I could hardly move my feet at all. The chair tether stops me standing up, so I am forced to sit in exactly the same way all the time. Sometimes I have found my legs have been numb after sitting this way for long periods, unable to move my feet. Also, when I sat in the lower, comfortable chair in my living room the floor chain placed pressure on my ankles, making them sore.

As this is a trial, the Committee are paying close attention to my complaints about these things, and on the weekend (the 2 week mark of my trial) they changed the floor mounting rule. My hobble chain is now connected to the floor by a 30 cm long chain. I am happy about this – it makes a very big difference. Mentally, I still know I cannot move anywhere, but I can move my legs enough that I can sit comfortably for long periods of time.

Another problem has been that the back chain pulls down on the back of the collar so it presses on my neck. The rear chain is not heavy but still it has enough weight to change the position of the collar so that it bothers me and if I forget and bend forward it presses harder on my neck. I cannot put any padding under it because there is no room, and also because I do not have anything to use. Sometimes I used to use a thin scarf (where the skin was a problem with normal wear of the collar in the past), but when the max security rules were introduced I could no longer use scarves.

Last week I asked if I could start wearing a corset. This is something I have been interested in for some time. The Committee said that this was possible, but told me my corsets must have shoulder straps added to them. They are of the opinion that because I am sitting almost all the time, the corset will enforce a good posture to prevent problems. I had complained to the Committee about the back chain problem, and in response, the committee told me that when I use a corset, it will hold me in such a way that I cannot bend forward and therefore cause the collar to press on my neck. Therefore they have told me that the back chain will stay there and the length will not be changed.

The Committee have added another measure to my trial. They have decided that my clothes need to be marked with a clear, wide vertical stripe down the side. This new provision has been carried out over the past week. Almost all of my clothes were taken so that the stripes can be sewn on. I do not like this, it is contrary to human dignity, but on the other hand, it is better than wearing a uniform.

 On Monday my clothing was returned to me. The skirts have a vertical stripe skirts and the other clothes have a large label with the word “prisoner” on them. I was quite shocked by this change, even though I knew it would be introduced. Being labelled in this way affected to me a surprising amount. My first thought was that I was glad no one can see me, and that I did not want anyone close to me or anyone to see me. Over time, I am sure I will get used to it.

This is, in a way, a trial of how I might react to having tattoos marking me as a prisoner, as has been discussed with the committee.  It is part of reminding the prisoner that she must be isolated from normal life. This all sounds very cruel but it is a way to get the prisoner to understand that she has no chance to return to a normal life.

The other addition on Monday was the corset. One of my committee members made it, and she did a very good job. It is an overbust model, and has wide and comfortable elastic shoulders straps, which hold my shoulders back and really help me keep in the upright position required by the back chain. My collar is no longer a problem because I am always in the correct posture and because in the back of the corset there is a tab which can be used to attach the chain, taking the weight of the chain off my neck. The bottom of the corset is designed so that I can sit comfortably.

On the back, above the belt line is a small box that holds the laces, so that I cannot undo the knot. So even though this was a suggestion I made to the committee, it has now become another thing I cannot remove. It feels like a bug hug.



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An evening during my restraints trial

This is a detailed description of an evening last week.  It gives you an idea of what my life is like, and the effects of the additional restraints and rules under my trial.

Early in the week my work is always hectic because I need to process a lot of sports photos from the weekend for magazine articles etc. I finished my work at 19:00. When the guard arrived, he locked my handcuffs and chain, and opened the wall chain and hobble chain floor mounting points. As required under the new rules I did not speak to him until he gave me permission.

I had been locked up for 6 hours. This is just too much when I can not move my legs, I realized only then how numb they were. My ankles were sore because of being in this position for so long. The guard led me to the lobby toilet where he locked a short chain to my collar. The chain is the correct length so that I am able to stand and sit to use the toilet. After that, he opened my handcuffs and waited for me to fulfil my needs.  I had a long wool skirt so it was easy for me to lift it compared to the leather skirt. I washed my hands, and then he locked my hands again.

He unlocked the chain from the wall and he escorted me to the living area on the couch. The journey was about 3 m. With his permission to speak, I asked if I could stand and walk a little bit because my legs were screaming for it, but I was told it was not possible so I sat in the chair and he locked me up and unlocked my handcuffs. He brought me a tray with a mug of water and my food and then went away.

The food was good – potatoes and cabbage rolls. Not very tasty but pretty good. Eating is a little tricky because there is a tray on my lap and I can not bend over very well because of the back chain. I have to lift the food up, which means it can drip, which upsets me, as I try to be a neat person.

He took the tray away and I sat and read magazines. In the evening I looked at the final episode of the Hostages TV series. The series was exciting all the time, I really enjoyed it. Then, I looked at the news. The situation in Ukraine is worrying.

Then at 22:30 the guard came back and asked if I would like to stretch my legs now, now he had more time. I was happy that he asked, after locking my hands he unlocked my chains and even helped me to my feet. It felt good. I walked into the lobby and tried to stretch the best I could. I asked for a moment that we could go out and walk, but I knew in advance that it is not possible and my request was refused.

He escorted me to my cell, locked my hobble chain to the floor, then he removed my handcuffs and waist chain. I took off my wool jacket and shirt. Then he locked the collar to wall chain , and I knelt down on a low stool facing the wall . Hands behind my head, waiting for him to take off my leg irons . I stood up, still facing the wall, and took off my skirt and panties. Again, my hands were cuffed behind my back. He removed the chain wall and led me to the toilet / shower. In the shower, he locked me to the tether chain there and opened my handcuffs. I washed , and I did all the necessary steps.

After this, he locked my hands behind my back, and led me to the bed. I lay down on my belly on the bed, and he locked a short chain from the head of the bed to my collar. Finally, he put on my leg cuffs, which were locked to the foot of the bed. Then he placed the pillow in the right position and tucked me in with a blanket. He said “good night” and dimmed the lights in the cell, then walked out and locked the cell door. After that, he locked the door of my part of the house.

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Restraints trial

Last weekend we started a new experiment involving new restraints and rules. To start with, my hobble chain has been made a little shorter than the standard chain. It is surprising to note that a few cm shortening of the chain means so much mentally. I am so accustomed to the previous chain length that I don’t even notice it when I walk, now that it is a bit shorter it feels really restrictive.

An additional rule is that my hobble chain is always locked to the floor when I sit. I did not move much previously, but I did have a longer tether chain when in my living area which allowed me to take a few steps. Now, my feet are pretty much locked to the floor. This is a big change – it means I cannot take a single step except when being escorted from place to place. My feet cannot move a lot because the chain is short. If I am wearing high heels my feet can move even less. It will be difficult. It is easiest in places where my chair is high. In a low chair, as in my living room, sitting is very difficult.

A chain has also been added between the back of my collar and my waist chain. It is tight enough that it feels like the collar is strangling me when I bend forward. When I sit very straight it is ok – all I feel is a slight tugging on the collar from the extra weight of the chain. Having the chain hanging down my back all the time feels degrading. It continues from the waist down so that it can be used as a tether, and I realize that it is practical, but because it is so visible, it bothers me.

When I am alone this new chain is used to tether me to the chair so I cannot stand. This is partly a safety measure because I could injure myself while trying to stand up wearing the the collar-waist chain and with my feet so firmly restrained.

This trial has made me think again about wearing a corset every day. If these rules remain, it would be useful – it would support my back because I now have to sit a lot. Perhaps the most important reason is that it would hold me in the correct position so the chain doesn’t tug on my collar. If I wore it I might forget the new chain.

In addition a few rules of behaviour have been tightened – I must remain quiet when the committee are with me and speak only with permission. For me, this is very difficult. I could learn with a gag, but I hate that idea. The gag acts as a deterrent, helping me to remember to remain quiet.

My new rules are valid everywhere and in every situation. They will last at least until the end of the month. More restrictive things might be added over time. The aim of the trial is to see whether some or all of the rules could be enforced for the long term, and perhaps to see if it leads to me being more focussed on my captivity. As my captivity is governed by the committee, it is important that I learn to adapt to changes in my restraints as the committee’s ideas change and develop. I have always done this in my captive life, however it is also important that I feel safe and well cared for. When the changes are explained, and there are trial periods so restraints can be improved or removed if necessary, it is easier for me to adapt in the long term.

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Update On Permanence

I think I understand very clearly what a ‘normal life’ is like – family, work, hobbies, the things that normal people do. So it is supposed to be, but I think it is also normal that some people live isolated from normal life. People have many different secret thoughts and fantasies. Most people keep it secret, and these ideas usually do not mess up a normal life. I do not know how I went “wrong” – I have always had such a clear idea of what I am. This captive life is natural for me.

My parents knew that I did self bondage in my room when I was a teenager. They could not know how deep I was in bondage and captivity in my thoughts. When they learned these things, it was a shock, of course, and they tried everything possible to convince me to stop. They wanted me to live a normal life like other people. Eventually they had no choice but to adapt to my choice because they love me. After all, this life is more acceptable than the use of hard drugs, or many other things.

My family does not know all of my rules and routines, which is a good thing. They know the main features, and that I have certain chains and rules that I want to follow. It is very strange to them, but they accept it as it is today. They do not have a clue how I really live and how strict all the rules are.

My thoughts about permanent captivity create a lot of mixed feelings. Currently, the Committee make sure that the necessary things for my healthy, wellbeing and happiness are taken care of. This includes visits by my family. I am worried that removing the 3-month rule could change that. With the rule as it stands at the moment, if the Committee made my life too hard and did not look after me, I could choose to give up this life and leave my prison. It is important that I retain that capability, but on the other hand, all of this does not seem real if I have that chance. It would be easier if I had clearly been sentenced to life without the possibility of freedom, or if I was born in this position. Then there would be no need to think about these things.

There are many reasons why I feel this life is right, even necessary, for me. What I am seeking is to feel completely settled in captive life, and to feel that for me there is no alternative to captivity. I have sometimes wondered what my life would be if I were set free. After so many years in captivity it would be very hard. I might dwell in a small apartment, not wanting to go out alone, I’d be hiding inside behind the curtains and waited for someone to come and take me out – someone whom I trust. I would be a burden for them – it would be very sad, and even pathetic, and I would not want to rely on them in that way. I would still want chains and locking arrangements, and the only difference would be that I would have to lock myself the minute I came through the door. It would be very lonely. In some ways this means that my captivity is already permanent, whether inside the prison or out of it.

I want things that help me settle into my new, permanent life and help me develop the right attitudes to life in prison. There have been many ideas discussed, including tattoos and semi-permanent chains. If I have clear signs of what I am, it would be even less possible for me to adjust to a normal life. We have also discussed the idea of having an identification chip implanted under my skin. The committee have told me this can be done quite easily. It would allow the supervisor to know at every moment where I am. I’ve already decided to do these things and only need the consent of the committee to have them done.

One committee member told me of his idea, that I should have much more stringent rules and restraints, so daily life would require more effort and attention, which might help exclude unnecessary thoughts. In his opinion, at the moment I am like a demanding hotel resident – my life is too soft and I have too much time to think. I understand his opinion – to some extent, he’s right.

His ideas include having my hobble chain locked to the floor whenever I’m in one place and making my wall chains so short that I cannot stand up. In addition, he would like me to always wear handcuffs, joined by a long chain that would pass behind my back through a D loop on my waist chain, so every time I move one hand in front or to the side, the other hand would be firmly behind my back. That way I would have to work with one hand. Stricter rules such as this would make it more difficult to do my job, and do many things such as type my story, but maybe they would also help me focus on what I am doing. He also wants to increase my code of conduct. He says I should call them sir / ma’am, only speak when I have permission, etc. – basically they are normal hard discipline rules.

I have also been told of a different control system that could occur in the future. My area would be divided electronically in various sectors. According to a clear timetable, I would have access to the workroom, toilet, my cell, etc. If I was in the wrong place the monitoring unit would give me an electric shock and an alarm would sound. This could mean that I would not need to see guards very often. I do not like this idea at all.

I am not worried about the idea of additional restraints. I can take a lot of physical pain and discomfort, in fact I’m even interested in how a person adapts to the strict constraints. Normal, physical constraints, such as chains and locks are things that I can accept. For me, they are challenges. Also, when someone has physically locked me up, and I know that they will take care of me, and feel that everything is ok. I do not like the idea of this being replaced by an electronic or computer controlled system.

It is true that I cannot make the decisions about such things. In some cases, they will discuss them with me, but they will make the final decision. It cannot be that the prisoner is able to determine these things, I understand this very well. Some of the small things, I hope I am able to influence. For example, I hope that I am able to use leather bracelets under handcuffs and ankle cuffs. They help when the hands and feet are limited to very short movements because they stop the cuffs pressing against the skin. If they decide to change something, it does not have to be permanent. A trial period might be possible, and it is true that a person can adapt to a variety of restrictions.

Last weekend the committee trialled some of their ideas about enhanced physical restraints and stricter discipline. It was like a long interrogation session, I was sitting in a chair, and my waist chain was locked to it. My ankle hobble was locked to the floor, and between the hobble and waist chain was a short chain so I could not stand up. Most of the time I had my hands locked behind the back, and I had a chain leash locked to my collar all the time.

In addition, they told me that my behaviour needed to be more formal, that I must speak respectfully, provide an answer when asked and only talk when given permission. There were a lot of little things which I would have to get used to if the arrangement becomes normal practice. It did not seem so bad though. After habituation, I could accept it. It certainly would not be comfortable, especially at first, but in the sense that in doing this they are taking care of me, it brings me pleasure.

At the same time I have also been thinking about the social aspects of my future. I have already come to terms with the idea that my contact with ‘normal’ life will be reduced even further in the future. It is perhaps better that way – then I do not always have to explain to my life and my choices. Still, I need to have friends and speak with my family. One idea that could help this is if I am allowed to speak to people via video link on the internet (e.g. on skype). This would mean that people would not have the discomfort of seeing my restraints. It could also mean that I could be held anywhere and speak to people wherever they are.

Video communication, and increased rules and restraints, would probably lead to greater institutionalization, which would help me settle deeper into this life. My life and my relationship with the committee is very stable, the only thing that has cast a shadow over the future is that I need to at some point move to another place, and one member of the Committee will probably change to a new one. These things are very natural but still they cause stress for me. It is true that because I have been so long in the same place and routine, moving scares me, but maybe I’ll be lucky and things will change for the better! The timeframe for these changes I do not have any knowledge of – maybe I’ll be here for years.

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