The Saturday before last was my orgasm day. This is the day, usually near the end of every month, when the committee gives me what I need to reach an orgasm and to be satisfied sexually. There is no rule that says I cannot orgasm at other times, but I just can’t. I know there is no point trying. I need to be tightly bound, placed in exposed, often humiliating positions, treated harshly, to achieve a sexual release. Having this need puts me in the position of relying on my committee to satisfy me sexually – they can choose whether or not to give me my orgasm day, and they also can choose when and how it happens. This time, I was locked on a hard bed in an x-position, and my hips were lifted up using wooden “pillows”. This placed me in a very wide open, exposed position. There was also a variety of other treatments but this time there was a lot less pain, etc than normal.
I was kept in this position for many hours, and a number of members of my Committee visited me while I was strenuously chained in this way. There was something on my mind, however, which was just as arousing as the physical restraints. When my hands were first chained behind my back, which is the usual start to an orgasm day, I told them I had something to discuss with them. That is why I spent a long time tied to the bed like that, and just talking. They know well how to read my feelings and give me the treatment I need.
You see, recently I have been having thoughts about the permanence of my captivity. At the moment I have a 3 month release rule. I can apply for release at any time, but I would have to remain in captivity for 3 months before being set free. That is the rule I have lived under for the whole five years of my captivity.
I have on two occasions, a long time ago, announced that I wanted to be released, but both times, when the trial period was close to running out, I pulled back, deciding I preferred my captive life to freedom. Now, I feel I have struggled such a long way to get to this point, and I have adapted so well to this life, and I see it now as a life sentence. These days, I do not even think about the possibility of release, I have not thought about it in a long time. I’ve shut it out of my mind.
Recently I have been thinking that maybe my life would be clearer without my 3 month release rule. This was the subject of my conversations with my committee. I feel most calm and contented when I have no choice, and know I must simply adapt to my situation. If the committee removed the release rule, thoughts of release would be pointless, and would fade from my mind. I would know, without doubt, that my captivity would be a life sentence with no possibility of release, or even the possibility of making my captivity easier in the future. All aspects of my life in captivity and the way I am treated would be completely out of my hands.
My main concern about this is that it may also mean I would be isolated completely from the outside world. I do not mean my job, it can continue as normal without the need to leave my prison, but I am concerned it would mean I would have even less opportunity to visit outside my prison. Today, I have very little issue with the outside world – I am only taken out for medical checkups once a year or so, but it’s nice to think that I may be able, on very rare occasions, to attend events such as the 50th birthdays of my father and mother, and my grandmother’s 70th birthday and other important dates.
It is fun to think that I could be a part of those events. I believe that the Committee would agree to a small number of visits such as these. The number of visits would have to be well defined and must be applied for in advance. How my captivity would still be ensured on such occasions I do not know, but if it can be worked out, such an arrangement would be suitable for me.
The possibility of release is a difficult thing. I have settled in on the idea that I am not free to walk out of here, or any future prison, so I do not need 3-month rule. It exists, therefore, for the sole reason of proving that I have the theoretical possibility of freedom, and thus I have voluntarily chosen my life style. In my mind it would be the same if the release period was 3 months, 3 years, or 30 years. Whether it could be completely removed without causing legal concerns for my committee I do not know.
I had never thought about it until now, but the release period might also be used the other way around. If the committee wanted to stop my imprisonment, it would have to use the same rules. After 3 months, I’d have to leave here (or wherever I was being imprisoned). I have realised that I do not want this to be the case. It worries me. The problem is not only my will, but also that in the future, changes could occur in the members of the Committee. People change, and my future is not 100 % sure because of it. I have a lot to talk about with the Committee. I do not want to be in the position of committing my life to permanent captivity only for the committee at some time in the future to decide to release me. The rules must be changed to be more accurate and remove that possibility.
It was exciting to realize that I get turned on so much by speech when the subject is right. That was the effect on me of when I lay tied, and helpless, speaking to my Committee about removal of my release rule so I would not have any chance to escape. They were very interested in the idea, which excited me even more.
The idea of truly permanent captivity brings other ideas. If I had no release rule, the Committee would like to tag me, tattoo on me my prisoner status so that I would be easy to identify as a prisoner if I was ever in the outside world. I feel it would calm my mind if I have persistent signs of what I am. Locks can be opened, but permanent tattoos cannot be escaped, especially if they are sufficiently large and multi-site. My prisoner’s status should be clearly marked in capital letters between the knee and ankle between the elbow and the wrist, as well as a few places on my torso. They would have to be clearly visible but still they would be able to be covered, for example by a shirt with long sleeves and a long skirt and a scarf around my neck.
There was also the idea of the permanent shackles, or least permanent wrist, ankle cuffs and collar. At a young age, when I started my self-bondage, I had thoughts about having permanent things on my body that could be used to quickly and securely lock me up. In school, I had a self-made harness hidden under clothing, I thought that when someone wanted to control me, it would be easier if I had a harness ready to go, it would have been easy to add a variety of straps or chains. Permanent cuffs would therefore be a very natural extension of my life style. Permanent chains, however, would bring a lot of challenges in my life, in things like my dressing procedure, other aspects of my everyday routine, visitors, meetings, etc.
I cannot help it but all those thoughts combined with my orgasm day aroused me a lot. But I have a big failing. I get turned on when I am handled and stimulated, but when I know that something better might be coming too my orgasms are incomplete. My body is satisfied but the mind is not. I do not know how to clear the brain, even in this situation. This time my orgasm was not complete because I was thinking on what might be.
So in order to be fully satisfied, I will now have to wait until next month, when my orgasm day next comes around. Hopefully by then the committee will have made some decisions on my release rule, tattoos, permanent cuffs etc. I probably will not get everything I want, but I can only wait. The decision will ultimately be there’s. Perhaps now I have spoken to them about all that, I have already started the process towards more permanent captivity. Over the years I have learned to be a patient person.