Daily Routine

In the morning the guard wakes me.  He does so cautiously, so that I will not be alarmed. Actually, I know that he is coming because I can hear the sounds of doors and locks. In general, he opens and removes my hood, but sometimes he leaves the hood on at this time.  He opens my sleeping bag and removes the chain which is locked to my collar. Next, he removes the chain locked to my hobble chain.  Then he unlocks the handcuffs from my back chain. My hands are not free but the additional mobility still feels good.

Next he usually sits on top of my thighs, like a rider on a horse.  He opens the handcuffs so that he can remove my hands from the mittens, then tightens the cuffs again.  It is a great feeling to get my fingers free, they tingle and it takes some time to work my fingers again. Next, he moves backward i.e. to sit on my knees. He removes the locks that are on my bed waist chain.

Now, I am no longer attached to the bed. He gets off the bed and raises my hands up (handcuffed) behind me and at the same time assists me out of bed. It is a little difficult but it works ok, the guard makes sure that I will not fall. When I’m standing, he locks the rail system chain to my collar. Now I’m ready to move on toilet / shower.  He opens the connecting door and leads me in.  If I do not follow the practice exactly, he can lift my hands and lock them to the chain hanging from the rail (which is otherwise loose because it is locked to my collar). This has happened a few times and now I know it is very difficult (and painful) to walk with my hands lifted behind my back. I am trying to do everything so that this does not happen.

When I’m in the toilet, the guard releases my hands. If I still have the hood on he usually takes it off now, although sometimes I have had to keep the hood on until I shower.  When I am finished with the toilet it is time to shower.  In the cell wall in the shower there is a hole from which I can take the soap, towels, etc. They must be returned after I use them.  I can wash my hair every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

Then I wrap a towel on my head but, as a towel can also be used incorrectly (as a weapon), my hands are then locked behind my back. Then we return back to the side of my bed. The guard pushes me against the cage wall and opens the left leg cuff, he helps put the panties on me. On the inside of the panties is a protective pad, like a small diaper, it has a dual purpose, to protect my tail bone when I’m sitting on top of the connecting chain and also as a backup if I can not use the toilet (very rare). In the cell are my electrical handcuffs, they are bolted to the cage wall.  My wrists are locked in them, holding them securely.

The guard then helps me put on a cotton tube which always goes underneath my corset. Then is time to put on the corset. He puts it in place and tightens it to a specific tension. He then adjusts the shoulder straps and tightens them. In the morning my body is “screaming” corset – I am much more comfortable when I am laced in.  I realise that my posture is very different without it – more “tired” and stooping. After 14 months wearing corsets every day my back and shoulders are so accustomed to them that I could not imagine a day without them.

Then he helps me put on a skirt, it is always waist high, and the length can vary from below the knee to the floor.  After the skirt he removes each leg cuff alternately to put on my socks (normal, ankle socks) and then boots.  Pantyhose are prohibited as they could be used as a weapon.  Next, if everything has gone well, he locks my leg cuffs to the bottom of the cage wall and goes to use the cordless remote control to open the electric handcuffs.  The remote control is at this time on my desktop in the other cell. This is a security measure – if something should happen to the guard while I am dressing I still could not open the electrically operated handcuffs.

When my hands are free I am able to put on my shirt.  It is like a straitjacket, with tight sleeves and exactly fitted to my dimensions in the corset. I can not lift my arms up while wearing them.  Its length is from the neck down to the hips. It is secured with a strong zipper which is locked in the neck. I have a number of them. Next, my steel waist band and upper back chain are attached, as well as the connecting chain to my leg cuffs.  At the same time, he locks my handcuffs in front of the waist band.  Finally, he disconnects the rail system chain on my neck and moves it to the back of the waist band.  He then unlocks my leg cuffs hobble from the floor, and leads me in the workroom.

Now he locks the hobble to the chain on the floor and removes my cuffs. Now I’m in my office and can stand beside the higher table and eat my breakfast. Breakfast is usually porridge, jam and a glass of milk (porridge is easy to prepare in the microwave so it does not take too much time). All of my dishes are unbreakable, soft plastic.  Small children could make sand castles on the beach with my dishes.  I do not hurry when I eat breakfast. The morning is not usually busy.

After breakfast I put the dishes in a hole in the wall, outside the cell. I push them over a small table when they fall on the basket. When the guard brings my breakfast, usually at the same time he switches on my computer (outside the cage). After breakfast I move on to the computer and read e-mails and receive urgent messages, photo requests, etc and I look at what new material has been sent to me.

After 2-3 hours, the guard returns and I have the opportunity to use the toilet if I need to.  Then it is time to put my mittens on.  I must put my thumb in my hand and squeeze it into a fist. Then he puts the tight leather mitten around my fist, and closes it with a zipper that is below the fist. The mitten wrist section is folded to hide the zipper lock and a pair of handcuffs is locked over it to seal it.  My hands are like the paws of a dog or cat. Without nails. When both are secured in this way my wrists are locked to my waist, in front. The leather protects my wrists from the handcuffs, which are pretty tight so that they seal the mittens.

The rules dictate that I use the mittens for 3 hours a day. Outdoor time is 1-2 hours so I have to be at least half an hour in my home office so that I can not do anything. It is annoying, but I do understand that I need to take a break from computer work. When the guard escorts me out of the house on the inside, he places a cloak on me. When I am outside, he replaces my inner track chain with the outside chain. The cloak is made of light cotton, it does not really cause any problems. A strange peculiarity is the fact that when the cloak is “locked” on my neck using a leather strap, it feels to me like I am being throttled even though I know that the belt is outside my collar … I guess I will get used to it. The cloak covers me and all my restraints fine. I now have a cloak for the rain made of blue latex. I have not used it yet but I am afraid that it will be very sweaty. I do not like latex. If I’m out for over an hour, I can use bench at the other end of the rail.

After the outdoor activities I move inside where again I have to wait with the mittens still on. After 3 hours has been completed I go with a guard to the bathroom (with hands locked in front). In the restroom the guard transfers my rail chain on my waist to my the neck and removes the handcuffs and mittens. After this, I can use the toilet, lifting the skirt is sometimes difficult because I can not bend down because of the corset and back chain.  The guard helps me if necessary. My leg Cuffs can be locked in front of the toilet bowl, but it is not usually necessary. My fingers do not work well after the mittens, which sometimes causes problems at this time.

After this, the rail chain is returned to my waist band, as usual, and I am escorted to the workroom. There, I can eat a light lunch. It is usually some soup and bread and water. I can then work for another 5-6 hours without interruption. If / when there is no work left to do, I can I surf the web, read and study magazines and blogs. My “working time” ends at about 7 PM, then I can once again visit the toilet and eat dinner. Then I can watch TV or do something else.

Around 9:30 – 10:00 PM I do evening chores to get ready for bed. The guard takes me to use the toilet, then the guard locks my hands behind my back (handcuffs) and I must kneel on the toilet seat. I hate it because the seat cover is hard. If I do not keep my spot the guard will press my head against the wall. He helps me out of my day chains, clothes and corset then puts the leg cuffs back on my ankles. Since then, I can stand up and he removes my wall chain collar. Next, he leads me beside the bed. Sometimes he would raise my hands higher and higher so that I have to walk bent. He says that in Russia all life sentence prisoners need to walk like this. Bedside I have to stand so that my feet (the lower part of the knee) rest on the bed and legs are as wide as possible.

Next, he pulls the hood on my head, he leaves the hood lacing loose. In bed the sleeping bag is opened and through it is threaded a Y-shaped chain which is attached to the lower part of the bed. The bed also has two mounting points for which corresponding holes have been made in the sleeping bag. The guard helps me get into the bed on my belly, and he places me so that the Y-chain is tightly between my crotch.

Then he locks the chain, the other ends of the attachment points. The chain runs over my narrowest part of the waist. I get a strange pleasure from the fact that I am strongly attached to the bed. Next, he locks my leg cuffs to a short chain which is the head of the bed. He also locks the chain that comes to my collar.

Then there is the hand’s turn. He locks the handcuffs to the chain that runs round my waist at the back. When it is done, he opens the hand cuff on my left wrist. He takes a leather mitt. These mittens are made in such a way that it is without the thumb. But in fact, the thumb has its own space so that it is firmly in the palm below the other fingers, wedged in very tight. The bottom is thick leather and the tops are slightly thinner.

The mitten closes with a zipper that is on top of the palm. At the ends the leather is sewn and stapled to an O-ring. The arm section of the mitten rises far above the wrist. When the zipper is closed handcuffs are put on my wrists as usual. The mittens are strange – they prevent the use of the fingers, but they also limit the bending of the wrist.

He tightens my hood lacing. It’s weird as leather tightens around my head. Next, the guard checks that my pillow is well and my head is in the right position. When everything is in order, he closes the edge of the sleeping bag zipper. He watches me for a moment, to make sure that all is well. Then he leaves for the night.



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Six months in my new prison

It has now been 6 months since I was moved from where I was previously to my new permanent prison home. Adapting to life here has been an education, but I think already that I will be able to live here in the long term. True, I am going deeper and deeper into my captivity, which is scary but at the same time very exciting. Is this where all the development and change ends? I was hoping for something like this, but I could not imagine all the things that my life now contains. I know that I need to be patient and adapt.

In theory, I could stop this, but in practice freedom does not seem to even be an option I consider any more. This is the place where I will be a very long time. Here there are very strict daily routines and rules that will not end, perhaps ever. That all gives me exactly what I want: the maximum sense of security. Even at this stage, I know how much I am dependent on these routines, even some of the degrading and unnecessary things. I have accepted many things in the past, and this is just another step forward. Sometimes it is difficult but I am a hardy and adaptable person. Sometimes I have low motivation, but then clear routines help because I know that the things are going to happen anyway.

There is a new member of the Committee. He has designed the cage system I live in. He has also built much of it. He seems to be a very thorough man who wants to make things as good as possible. He lives in the house that contains my prison and he and his wife will be my main guards. He demands perfection in me in everything – my dress, chains and behaviour. They justify it that being so exact about the routines and practices increases safety.

There are many new rules and restraints. These are often introduced without notice. The fact that small sudden changes are made to the rules is an intentional part of the prison system to hinder escape plans, etc. It is this irregular routine that the prisoner must get used to.

The first change was that the chain connecting my hobble chain to the floor of my office/living area was extended to 1.5 m, and now connects using an o-ring that can slide along the hobble chain.  It means more chain sound but also a little bit more movement for me. I am able to walk as much as my chain allows. It’s not much, but I can stand up and move my feet. After being chained in a seated position for so long in my former home it feels great!

The guard requested that I keep my arms crossed behind my back when visited by the guards or the committee, and my speaking rules are very strictly enforced. There have also been many changes to my sleeping arrangements – at night I now wear a tight hood which covers my eyes and stops me from speaking. I will soon post my full bed time and morning routines which will show how much my daily procedures have changed.

These things – chains, locks, forced immobility, the suppression of the senses are part of my “designed program” here. Strange to say, but all of those strange things keep me in the moment, awake. I’ve probably already said that sometimes I think that I cannot live a “normal” life and that is why I feel grateful that I am here. For me, it is important that I feel safe and secured, in practice this means being in prison and strictly restricted. Bondage is the thing that emphasizes this feeling. I feel that the people who bind, chain, lock me in also protect me. I am in a situation where I already know that there are no opportunities to escape, except by using the three month release rule, which is no longer an option I consider at all.

Yes, all this enhances the bondage experience. Bondage is attractive to me when it is combined with the way I’m dressed. Stylish clothing which I like also shows that others appreciate me. I feel proud of how I look and how I dress. I am grateful that I’m allowed to wear nice clothes as part of my daily routine. My idea has always been should have good posture clothing. It would be motivating for me, and perhaps also enjoyable to others involved. I have worn a corset now for 14 months, and the guard has added a restrictive over-shirt which stops me raising my arms above my head. As said, these decisions are not in my hands. My ideas about getting tattoos which show my status as prisoner have not changed. They are still something I want. In my opinion, such things could also be stylish and elegant.

In this new arrangement I am not able to negotiate for changes to my routines or restraints, but sometimes people who comment on my yahoo group suggest things or raise security or safety concerns which the committee have noted, and this has resulted in some improvements in my restraints. But everything has a price, and sometimes this results in new restraints too, for example I have been given mittens for outdoor use to keep my hands warm, however they are tight, thumbless mittens which make my hands useless. I have to keep the outdoor mittens on for 3 hours a day now: 1 hour before my outdoor activities, while I am outdoors, and then 1 hour afterwards. At the same time my hands are locked to a waist band.

Despite these difficulties, when I know new things such as these are being introduced I am somehow excited by it. I get new things very rarely!

I have been thinking about what my life would be like in 10-20 years or more. I hope that I would be in good shape, and well accustomed to my constraints. I do not think that would be a problem. I hope I would know exactly what’s going on in the outside world. I believe that if I can keep learning to enjoy the small and limited dimensions of my life, then I would no longer even know how to live in freedom or remember what it is like. The idea of aging in my captivity and continuing to adapt and become more and more institutionalised interests me and even arouses me in some way. In the past I dreamed that I could move in the outside world using restraints, and other necessary arrangements and procedures. But that was a utopia, a dream in vain. People cannot accept that.

I am still able to receive visitors in my prison, however. I have had two visitors here so far.  My best friend, a person who remains my friend in spite of everything, and one of my family members.  One of visitor per month is the rule.  I like the fact that everything is thought out and secured.  The visiting procedure is that I am locked, ready in the room when a visitor arrives.  My leg-irons chain is locked to the floor, the rail system chain is then taken away and the waist chain is locked to my chair.  Before me is a heavy table which is bolted to my chair as soon as I am seated and locked.  It is so close to me that I would find it difficult to get up off the chair even though I did not have any restraints.

My handcuffs are locked to the table above or below.  The table has a cover plate that ensures that the visitor cannot see my ankles.  When my hands are locked under the table the visitor does not see my chains at all.  But when my friend to visit my hands can be on the table, she is not bothered at all about my restraints. It is always nice to see my friend, she always gets me in a good mood!

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My new long term home

The move to my new long term location has now happened, after many years of anticipation.

At first I was confused, amazed and scared, but now … I do not know.  I may be crazy, but somehow all this flatters me.  All of this is built for me and thinking of me!  Construction and alterations have cost a lot and they have taken a tremendous time, and I see this as a new challenge.  After the initial shock it all seems to make sense.

Now I am really like a caged animal.  My new prison is like a big cage divided into three smaller parts.   The cell, with bed, shower  and toilet is in one area.  The second is the workroom and lounge area.  The third is a small room with access to my outdoor area.

The different areas are divided by heavy steel mesh.   Two sliding doors separate the rooms, with electronic locks.  On both sides of the main cage are walkways in which the guard can walk.  The cages have small hatches through which the guard can give me my food, clothes etc.   He does not have to come inside the cage.

On the ceiling is a steel rail.  From this hangs a chain which is connected to my waist chain.  The rail keeps me securely tethered – at most I can move within a 1m radius of the track of the rail above.  I can move along the rail between different areas and walk between the rooms of the cage if the doors are open, but the rails also have an electronic stop point in every room.  The guard must use the remote control so that I can go between rooms.

At the end of the complex there is also a room for visits.  In this room the cage, rail etc are not visible.  There are two sofas, a chair, a table and also a fireplace! It is a very cozy place.  I look forward to being able to see visitors there someday.

In most parts of the complex, including my cell, I cannot sit any more due to the fact that the track is not curved down there so the chain from the rail is not long enough.  This is not a problem for me, because in the work room the track curves down from the ceiling so I have a little more free play and can sit at my workbench.  I sit there much of the day so get plenty of time sitting down.  In the same room is a higher bench where I can stand and lean when I am eating my dinner .  There is no chair there so I cannot sit.  Once I have eaten I am taken back to the seat at the workbench.

Like before, I am not able to move freely between stations.  Each place has a locking system which my leg-irons chain can be locked to the floor, the guard can do it outside of the cage.  All things can be made so that the guard is in the cage outside.

The rail does not continue outside to my exercise area.  Instead there is a similar steel wire as in the past, but now parallel to the wall of the house. During outdoor activities my hands are locked, and the waist chain is attached to outdoor chain before the indoor chain is disconnected.  Then I can walk back and forth along the wire.

I have no waist chain closed when I am getting chainged and my corset and shirt, are removed, but otherwise I am attached to the rail all the time except when I am on the exercise run outside.

I sleep restrained in the same way as before, it is a bit uncomfortable because the temperature is not the same as before, I need some kind of pajamas … or at least a decent blanket for myself.  A number of routines etc not yet finalised – I understand that I will be getting a new personal guard or guards at some stage soon.

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I knew that the time for me to be moved was soon when I noticed that the guard spoke about the Committee using words like “they”, rather than “we.” I asked him about it in the morning and he told me that he is not part of the committee anymore, he is merely my guard and my place in his house is only until such time as the Committee to find me a new location.  It made me very sad, it was the end of an era for me and they not even told about it.

When it finally happened, the move was very fast. My former security guard sold his house more quickly than anyone imagined and the Committee had to get me out without much notice. I was taken away at a time when he was on my guard. I will miss him.  He goes forward to his new life and I am stuck to my place.  Maybe I have feelings for him, this seemed like such a natural arrangement, but this means moving forward for me too.  The transition towards total imprisonment in a place where I do not have emotional ties with persons or places to is scary but also very fascinating.  It is a part of what I’m looking for in my life.

My moving was very simple, I had my normal restraints, hands locked in front. I was dressed in a long skirt and short jacket, in addition I had a new and beautiful leather gloves. My guard, who I will no longer meet, brought them as a travel souvenir for me. I like the smell of new leather.  I was led to the car which was parked near the door, maybe 5 meters from it. I had to climb up slightly because the floor is high (minivan), my place was on the right, next to sliding door. This is the easiest and safest place for me. Vehicle entry was a little difficult because my upper body is rigid due to the corset and rear chain.

As I sat in the car the seat belt was put on me, then my leg cuffs chain was locked under the seat. I was able to move my legs a little. Next, they put me in a supplementary loop belt which pulled my hips tightly to the bench, and my collar was locked to one of the back seats so that I need to sit very upright. The seat is not designed for use in a corset so it was a bit fraught. In addition, the lower part of the corset felt unpleasant because my feet were at a different angle than usual.

Finally, I got a wide belt that went around me and the seat. This was so I did not tilt while cornering or in the case of an accident. It was for my safety but it also caused unnecessary tension, like another corset. Since it was already evening and was almost dark I could sit normally and no one could see that I was locked in the seat. I liked the feeling that I was like a normal person, but secured tightly. The driving distance was not more than an hour, the greatest part of the trip was on the highway so there was not much to look at but still I enjoyed every minute of it.

Since the move happened very quickly, my new place was not completely finished. Therefore, I was transported to the room in the same house, I’m in this room as long as the modifications in the house are finished. The room is 5×4 m, a mattress on the floor and a table with my computer (and chair).  My wallchain is attached to a corner so that I can move everywhere except the door. I think that this is a former clothing / dressing room. Its only window is a narrow window on top of the wall. I can go to toilet in the morning and in the evening when the renovation of the men have left. Then I can also take a shower. I have a bucket in the room here in case of emergency. Water I always have and also fruits, as well as small snacks, and I have food two times a day (I eat a little bit, but I try to eat several times).

I have been able to hear how the modifications going on in the house – the sounds of heavy machinery, hammering, sawing and welding.  As there were sometimes foreign workers in the house I need to be quiet all day.  The first two days I had a lockable ball gag, it was mostly a reminder and a lesson for me … I know how to be silent, even without it.  I still do not know why things happened so fast but the Committee is of the opinion that the guard was too gentle for me. Perhaps it was due to our common past.   In any case, it is time to get back in the right discipline and order, they said. I have not yet seen the new members of the Committee, but perhaps because of he/she things are more stringent … a new beginning.

Because of the work I have not had any exercise time – I’ve been inside all the time, but that is not necessarily a bad thing … the weather here is tedious. Tomorrow should be snowing, winter is coming.  This transition is a little scary. I’m a little tense because I know that there are a lot of new things for me. Confused thoughts. I’ll admit that I am nervous, but at the same time I am a happy and satisfied.  It satisfies me to hear the sounds of alterations in this house…. changes being made for me.  It is a strange way of fine.  I’m not afraid, I’m really proud of all this.  Extradition is not an option, this is my life.

In my new prison many things will probably change – things will be more automatic and institutionalised. The idea is that the guard will not need to spend too much time on my routines. This is probably the last day in this room, I want to get out of here, but at the same time the tension is growing…


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End of hand restraints trial

Much has happened since my last post.   The hand restraints trial lasted four weeks.  In the middle of it the committee tried, at my request, a different method of restraining my hands.  They replaced the chain between my wrists with a wire.  It was not a good idea as the wire was too stiff – even when the cable was not pulled tight it still restricted my movements as it did not bend easily like a chain. It was almost like a steel rod.  The only good thing was that it glided silently behind my back when I switched hands.

One reason this new trial was so difficult was that they didn’t pass the cable only through the rear o-ring – it was also threaded through the locks on my waist chain on each side.  On each side there was only 10 cm free play, so when one hand was held to the side of my waist, the other had only 20 cm reach.  It felt like my hands were locked to my sides, I do not understand why they did it this way.  When I suggested the wire, I assumed that it would only pass through the rear O-ring.  It meant I had trouble doing even basic things for myself.  I had to live with it for a number of days before they returned me to the chain between my wrists.

By the end of the four weeks I was longing to return to having hands free, even if it meant having my feet more closely restrained again.  I have to say that I did not like the hand restraints experiment.  It was great that my legs had more movement but I hated the handcuffs.  Since I’m right-handed, my left hand was always held behind my back. I found the best position was to have my palm facing outward, and my thumb between the vertical chain and my back.  The left hand was useless and had to remain in the same position for a long time causing problems. Since I have a corset I sat the whole time a little skewed. Not good for my neck and shoulders.

There were some things done to improve things – my table was moved closer to me so that it was touching my belly, and this gave me more relief in my left hand and in my neck and shoulders.  I worked with the right hand, but the other things I tried to do with the left hand, such as eating, etc.  I’m a bit clumsy with the left hand so everything I did took more time.  It annoyed me.  The relatively short chain also caused other problems in practice. I needed help, for example to use the toilet.  It was humiliating, even though the guard sees me naked every night and morning anyway.  I was glad when it finished but in some ways, I was grateful for this opportunity to try out changes – it gave some variety in an otherwise dull routine.

One thing about the hand restraints was that they made it easier for the guard to move me from place to place.  My hands could be quickly restrained without extra locks etc.  The current guard enjoyed and wanted to spend time with my routines.  Perhaps the next guard / guards do not wish to do so, and I think the committee might have been looking for routines and practices that take as little as possible of others time.

There was also a new rule introduced at this time that my chains must be visible at all times.  In the past I have used long skirts because they hide my ankle and connection chains.  Now, they must be visible at all times that they can be checked at any time. Basically, I understand that rule, but still … how could I try to break the chain or the lock anyway?  It seems very dull, a small change which affects me a lot.  When the hand restraint trial finished this became a part of my normal rules and so I must live with it for the long term.

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Hand restraints

Last week the guard asked me if I wanted to change my restraints.  He said I could get more movement in my legs but on the other hand I would have to have restrictions on my hands.

It would be a month-long trial.  I did not have to agree to it, if I did not want it, all would continue unchanged.  It was a very difficult decision because he did not tell me what that change would be.  I really liked the idea of my feet having more space to move around, but at what cost?  I think it’s stupid and annoying that they bullied me in this way.  My decision would have been a lot easier if I knew all the facts!

This was a kind of power game, I had the “opportunity” to contribute to the future but they had the final say.  But on the other hand, it also fascinated me, it was exciting to think about what they had planned. That’s why I decided to accept the change and probation.

The trial period began last Friday so I had the weekend to get used to the new constraints before the work week.  I was a little nervous.  My guard said that I did not need to be nervous and that the changes were not significant. He has never lied to me so I trusted him.

On friday I was given the new restraints. My hobble chain is back to normal length, it feels wonderful! In addition, the floor chain is twice as long, 60 cm.

The counter part is the fact that I have to wear handcuffs all the time. They have a long chain between them which goes through the lock at the back of my waist. Thus, when I use the right hand, the left must be behind my back. The chain can slide through the lock so that I can switch hands.

On Monday, I got a neoprene protectors under the cuffs, because the cuff movements hurt me too much. Now, I’m already used to them but they still annoy me. The chain is so short that it is difficult for me to do all the normal every day things.

I am able to touch my forehead, and to eat and drink with one hand.  My hair is a problem, for example. the guard this morning had to put my hair in a ponytail.  I am able to use the toilet paper, but I am having problems with my skirt and tights.  I have to call the guard for help.

AT my desk I can use one (right) hand for the mouse and keyboard but I can not really extend it anywhere else. It’s infuriating.

Yesterday was a good example. The bottles of water were too far away from me … they were in the normal spot on the table but I could not get to them!  It was not a big problem, in 4 hours it is not possible to die of thirst.  It was an accident, the guard put them in the normal place, as always, and I did not notice it.

My feet are grateful! It is quite different to sit when you can move the legs, I feel like I have the freedom back!  But still … I may not adopt this as a permanent arrangement, my left arm is now inactive, my wrist is held to the back of my waist nearly all the time. it causes me arm and shoulder / neck pain.

The guard’s opinion is that the arrangement makes moving me more simple.  He needs only one lock to lock my hands, and he is able to easily regulate how free my hands are. He can also lock my wrists to the side of my waist chain.


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Six months and six years

Miisa has reached a number of milestones in her captive life this month.  While a prisoner shouldn’t celebrate her time in captivity, it is perhaps worthwhile marking these events when they occur.

They are as follows:

Six months in enhanced restraints

It has been six months since Miisa’s committee introduced the enhanced restraints, corset and speaking rules.  For the past six months she has been locked in a seated position, with ankle chain attached to the floor, whenever she is not having her exercise time or being moved from one room to another,  i.e. for all but a little over an hour of her day.  I asked her how she is adapting to this life now that it has been so long.

Miisa:  I think that I have adapted well to the “new” restrictions mentally, it means that I do not even try things that I can not do.  But then, however, there are days when I am very frustrated and angry that I have such strict limitations.  So, I have not fully adapted to this … it takes years, maybe I could not fully adapt to it ever.

The human body is made to move, it is quite clear.  My restraints prevent the normal movement of my limbs and there are a lot of the movements that I have not been able to do for a long time. I am able to move to some extent during my hour of exercise, which is a good thing.

The corset is a good thing but it is a double-edged sword.  It supports me and gives good posture but on the other hand my stomach and back muscles weaken due to inactivity. 

As for other restraints, none are planned as far as Miisa is aware, although a contributer to the Captivegirl yahoo group did suggest that Miisa wear a neck corset.

 Miisa:  I can not say that the idea did not intrigue me.  Use of a neck corset would mean some changes in my desk height, etc, but on the other hand, good posture could save me from problems in future years.

And what if you could choose your reswtraints?

Miisa:  If I could choose, maybe I would like to return to the old rules, plus a corset … in some cases I would give up using some of the restraints completely.

But Miisa knows that it is not her place, as prisoner, to choose how she is restrained.

Miisa:  The prisoner can not be dominant.  If I could decide, I would have lightweight and easy limitations.  But it does not go that way.  The prisoner can not choose how she/he is restricted.  She may be able to make it easier for good behavior, but the basics remain.

The current situation is a good example, I think a floor lock and a short wall chain are unnecessary but still they are there.  Night arrangements and locking are overstated but still they are there.   A lot of things are useless but still they are there.  I have not chosen these things, but I accept them.  As a prisoner I’m supposed to accept all and to adapt to them, including any new arrangements.

By coincidence, the time Miisa’s enhanced restraints began is also about the time her monthly orgasm days were ceased by mutual arrangement between Miisa and her committee.   This means it has been close to six months since her last orgasm.

Miisa:  In prisoner life there are a lot of limitations and things prisoner  can’t do.  Adapting to this can  take a long time. But when there has been sufficient time for adjustment, it is possible to accept almost anything.   I miss many things: sometimes I miss the freedom, friends, relatives … the cafe mornings, evenings partying … very ordinary things like shopping visits. I miss the rain drops on my face.

At the same category also includes orgasms, I have not lost them, but sometimes need to take a break so that I can fully enjoy them.  My orgasm days became almost a mechanical function.  There was no tender loving touch, and as a result they were not really working for me.

Amazingly, going completely without orgasm has not been a big problem for me so far.  Deficiencies can be replaced by other things, I enjoy the feeling of touching … when my corset is tightened, the routines are carried out, they are small things that to me are my most treasured moments.  That time the person performing the routines only focuses on me and it feels good. 

I think that I miss more of everything else related to sex, and when all the attention is on me any kind of touch feels good, it’s good enough for me now.  It gives me good feelings, I have not thought of it before, but it does. The best thing is that because I have the exact program for when I am handled this way each day I can be sure that the treatment and those feelings will continue, and I even know the time and method.

6 years in captivity

Miisa’s captivity became serious and full time at roughly this time of year in 2008.  That is the last time she went unrestrained and could move freely between rooms or choose to leave her prison.  Having such a long time in captivity, the prospect of returning to the outside world seems like it would be a very hard step to take.

Miisa:  It is true that living in freedom would be difficult for me. Very difficult.   I’m like an animal in a cage.  If it is released, it does not know how to live, and therefore looks to return to its cage.  Not a very good picture of the future!   Therefore, this is for me a life-long solution.

This has certain risks in the long term. Now, the Committee would like to do this and is interested in me and what changes will  happen to the prisoner in the long term.  In order to ensure that my imprisonment remains constant and secure, I have to give them all the power so that they maintain their interest. Otherwise, I could become a burden to them, and they might want to release me.  It is my greatest fear.  There is no reason to fear now, but what about sometime in the future?  No one can be sure what will happen.

Miisa sees there really being only two options in her life – one is freedom, in which her instituationalisation to prison life and her need for captivity would make her life unhappy and very limited, at least for several years until she could re-adapt or find another arrangement.  The other is captivity at the hands of a committee, the way she lives now.  Other options that could maintain her captive life, such as paying someone to be her guard, or using her imprisonement as a form of income, or imprisonment at the hands of friends and family, would not work as she explains:

Miisa:  It would be very strange that my family would be involved in my prisoner life.   It is a beautiful idea and gives me a lot of good ideas, but in real life it does not work.   Even if they agreed to do it, it would not work for me – I need discipline, rules, well established things.   It is a fact which can not be compromised.

Strangely, it would also not work for me at all if I paid someone to do the work of guard.   It could not be so, because then it would be just a game.  The idea of being held captive by paying online customers is also an idea that does not work for me.  Then I would be like an animal locked in a zoo (maybe I am like that already), I don’t think I am ready for that. 

I do not see any other option than to live under a committee (or the like) that is committed to my lifestyle of their own will, not for money .  I have faith in my Committee, because the members are many and they need to be in agreement when they make decisions.   I do not think they want to make bad decisions.

 It is a fact that the members of the Committee are subject to change but it will not happen overnight, and I trust that they will try to select a new member who has similar ideas to them so that my imprisonment is stable and secure.  This will happen soon – for the first time a member of the Committee’s composition changes, but I am not worried about it.

I have very long road to full adaptation and life-long imprisonment.   I have adapted well to my personal limitations, they annoy me, but I can live with them.  I’ve got quite a long way and it would be a worst case scenario if I would have to return back to “freedom”. 

One of the things that sustains Miisa in her captive life is her work, which means she gets to see hundreds of photos of people and events every day, giving her a window on the outside world.

Miisa:  I am grateful that I have an interesting daily work.  I can only imagine how sad and boring it would be if I were always locked in a cell without something sensible to do.  The work can be repetative, but it is still fun … I can see all kinds of things and events!

My work has a lot of potential to expand, but at the moment I am getting enough work work to keep me occupied, but with no great stress or hurry.  I am happy with my current situation.

Maybe someday if I earn enough I could donate my possessions to someone in need.  Maybe I could  establish a foundation that supports the study of women prisoners, or which helps female prisoners when they are released. Often the woman’s life is ruined, at that point the appropriate support would be good, for example help finding an apartment, a job, circle of friends etc.  I would like to choose to subsidise certain prisoners – ordinary women who have been in trouble. People who still have hope.

On the other hand, I may need money to create my own custom prison, where the committee could keep me in the future and where I could be imprisoned for life.  It is a nice idea, to have a cottage that has been converted into a prison, just for me.  It awakens my imagination and fascinates me.

18 months since she left her prison, which was for a doctor’s visit.  Apart from this it has been over 2.5 years since the last visit outside her prison which was not for the necessity of a medical checkup.

Miisa:  Apart from the docotrs checkup, the last time I was taken outside was winter 2011-2012.  I remember this because then I had a long coat with holes in the pockets so I could go out wearing the waist chain with sidecuffs.  On that last time we only went to McDonalds In the drive through and then we toured the city.   It was fun! 

I know that the committee has discussed the things that would bring a change in my monotonous rhythm. I can not tell exactly what they are planning.  It would be nice to get out of here for a while but it is very unlikely.  Most likely they are thinking of changes to routines within the prison.  I’m not worried about the changes, if the Committee so desires.  If they modify my routines it might actually brighten up my normal everyday life.

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